:::-::-: ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn ..I wIll sUrvIvE.. :-::-:::

:::Saturday, January 29, 2005:::

[What does it have to hurt so bad?? @ 10:33 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Well, Today.. Rotted again.. Did alittle bit of work and solved the bug problem that I had.. Well It needs a lot more of testing to get this done..

Saw her online today.. Its became really hard to talk in our conversation any more.. She does not even care... Haiz... do you know it hurts to be treated like that?? How would she know anyway..

:::Wednesday, January 26, 2005:::

[lalalala... @ 11:08 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hmm... I haven been updating my blog... It seems that the tag board is having some problem. Those who came in here must be waiting reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll long..hahaha

Well.. I got a new phone .. NK6820.. Yesh.. So fun to play with.. can record human voice as ring tone.. those who know me well will know what I will do with it.. heee.... Siao Wei... le wu teng hui leh.. hahah... and SMS .. Siao Wei... Le wu SMS... hahah

Well.. I'm still not as effective as I'm suppose to be.. One day's work spilled into two.. maybe three days.. haiz.. but at least there is progress.. I'm on my way to finish the first part of the 3 sections of my project.. Horray

Uncle jim seems to be excited to do up the SMS project.. I really not sure if i should work with him.. rather uncomfortable with the age gap. .He can almost be my father lao loh.. hahah

Well.. Uncharted water, here i come...

:::Tuesday, January 25, 2005:::

[am i in for depression??? @ 1:46 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I question myself.. Am I in depression?? I start to develop signs for it..

stress level high
Sudden craving of chocolate
Over eating
Irlogical thinking
problem sleeping well..
hands trembling...

haiz...
god... help me .. please bring me out of this hell hole...

:::Monday, January 24, 2005:::

[What a boring day... @ 4:07 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I'm sitting at the school library level5 , at a corner while letting my computer install Macromedia ... I still have to go over to service center to get the key later.

I now very good at stoning... I was at the service center for one hour just to wait for my turn to come.. I just sit there... did not take a book out to read or anything like that.. just stone till my turn came..

wa... my library fine so ex.. $8.30 .. I got to be more responsible.. how can i chalk up so much fines.. so unnecessary to do that.

:::Sunday, January 23, 2005:::

[Internet's back again @ 10:27 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Yesh!!!Internet is back again.. with a new linksys 802.11g wireless router...HAAAHA I can blogtill mad... :P

Today.. haiz.. still not productive.. Only designed I Main interface, one menu bar and Port detector, Spoken to My Brother in law to see what are his comments.. Seems that he also agreed that its one good step to head to.

Daniel came over to take all the SJAB stuff ... Oh well... New venture... after that we went for dinner, So SLOW was so hungry , i had a buger after a plate of chicken chop.. tsk tsk.. going to do my 6 click run to get rid of all this fats.

Going to have to finish my sender and reciever today.. Dun mind if it dun link to database yet but at least the modem must be settled

[Internet's back again @ 10:27 PM]

[Long Time no updates @ 1:43 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Well, Some time... Internet still down.. I wonder when it ever going to be up... Haiz... Over use my dial up account.. Die.. x_X

Well.. Working on my FYP as usual, and still cannot concentrate too well, At least its better now that i don't have to worrie about SJAB. I'll need a method to make me sit down and do my work.

Well , Finally talked to Miss yeng and she agree to let me go!! Alright.. I'm free from SJAB!! Forever!!! But Mr Yong gave me 6 month leave. Haiz.. Wrote to Mr Goh for my release.

Serve enough.. Lose enough because of it.. True I gained.. But I paid back what I have gained.. I serve the same amount of years that I gained.

Oh well, I want to meet up my cadets for the last time. SMS Miss yeng about that.. See what she say.

Well, I'm making good progress in my project and I got Uncle jim back to the project again..hee.. Well I hope we can start a business this time around...

:::Thursday, January 20, 2005:::

[6 KM run @ 1:51 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I Should run more often.,. I like the feeling after running.. more carefree.. its like the troubles cannot catch up with you and you feel so free.. heee... Less vexed... happier.. diet... what else can i ask for...

:::Wednesday, January 19, 2005:::

[ITs all over... @ 11:12 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I'm finally off from SJAB. Minsheng has approved of my resignation and I can finally concentrate on the one and only task... I feel kinda bad...Leaving everyone like that.. I'm kinda unwilling as well.. I still want to convert them to be better.. But I can't even settle myself.. How to settle them...

Business over, SJAB over... you think she will ever come back??

I really did what I promise to her.. Everything over by March... But I got a feeling this is not going to change her decision. But at least I did my side of the bargain. If she says no, what can i do.. I can rot till july and than go NS.

Did really nothing much today... But I felt that I did alot.. .This is bad..

I feel sucky.. I need to get out of this feeling... Someone save me from this drowning hole... I'm sabotaging my self...

I really can't believe this that I reduced to such a small puppet.. Lost of all reasons...

I close my final chapter of my old life..

Maybe it has something better on the other side

[Hmm... @ 3:08 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I Still haven answer myself what reasons do I have left in SJAB to stay.. I still have not develop my sense of urgency... haiz... oh well..

Wanted to go cloud seeing today.. but too many dark clouds.. see half way sure got free bath one.. haiz..

i need entertainment and laughter and be with someone... I think that is why i/m lacking and trying to find..

:::Tuesday, January 18, 2005:::

[Anastacia << Left Outside Alone>> The song on my blog @ 1:14 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

[INTRO:]
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I don't feel safe..
Ohhh..
[V1]
Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breath can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way
[CHORUS]
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I tell ya..
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There's not much more to say
But I hope you find a way
[CHORUS 2]
Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I tell ya..
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Ohhh. Pray...
Ohh.. Heavenly father..
Save me.. Ohhhh..
Whoaooooaoooooo
[CHORUS 3]
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
[OUTRO]
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray...

:::Monday, January 17, 2005:::

[I question everyone... @ 11:20 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

I question what is the commitment level of my team... my so call team... I'm so shocked.. I'm so amaze to only realise that they are only doing this without reasons... without knowing why... their level is just so frail.. so small.. its just too small... their combined effort can't even win me... Its more of i do this cos i have to do it.. its a must do but i'm not interested to do... I don know if it's my fault or its whois fault... I dun give a damm.. I lost the very last reason to be in SJAB... I lost it...I'm leaving.. Wheather you like it or not i Dun give a damm.. I want my freedom back.. My sacfirice is just not worth it.. ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!! URGH!!!! I going to explode.... can't believe that i'm so stupit and so dumb to only realise that i have been fighting a lose war ... If I have to leave to make them bonded, I will.. Cos that is the only thing i can offer..If i have to lose these friends to make them work.. I will cos there is nothing more to do other than to do this.

:::Saturday, January 15, 2005:::

[What a day.. What a day... @ 1:10 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hmm.. today didn't went that bad... Woke up ... late again.. hahah... But today felt different.. Maybe I woke up today with a purpose?? Settle SJAB First Training session ... Well Wonder if the suggestion of games are that... hmm... good idea... Its like all the other UG groups are skinning their cadets alive while we like playing?? hmm.. lets see the results..

8-10 lesson.. 10-10.30 had brunch (breakfast and lunch) than went to buy the stuff for the games and than buy printer Ink..Went to office to print all the BF Forms for TIC to sign..(Finally all the information is here) but office black out as the renovations shortcirculted the system.. grrr... hate them.. make me seem so unprepared...

115 I was in School.. My instructors are mostly early.. only a few late.. I writen my guidelines and my officers have vetted through.. It seems that most of them say it good but still my instructors cannot follow orders.. haiz..

Even though the activity was completed.. My reviewers mention that most of the desired Ice breaking and Bonding are still not there.. Its not too late as we still got another 2 weeks to go...

Went out with Sam and Daniel for dinner and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.. and joke and laugh and check pain... made progress in our planning as well.. thats a good sign..

You know what guys.. I love my God Sis Diana....She willing to help me when I needed the most.. my Library card maxed out and I need to borrow another book so that I can finish the retail book (talk more about it later) hee.. Thanks Diana...

Hmm... Apple also help me send the file of what her bro has done on the retail book.. Grrr.. NOTHING WAS DONE SINCE LAST WEEK .. WHAT THE $#(%U)$^&A#)$^&#_$86 ... Thanks Apple...

I wonder if I am stupit or dumb.. Today I woke up and along the way to school.. my Brain suddenly told me.. "HELP YONG WEI FINISH HIS BOOK"... And I decided I will...I was selfish.. Saying that my FYP is going to kill me(which I am awfully off track) But He helped me in my darkest hour.. In my need... he was there... And i should be there for him.. thats what true friends is all about. At the expenses of everything, I'm going to help him.. I should pay back for his help for the past 4 years..

My friend told me that she saw her and him at clementi and she was very happy.. I made my Vow.. unless i'm done with everything.. I will not go back and disappoint her. Just hope that I will not be too late...

God, Thank you for today... I feel the reason why I exist.. Thank you.. in Jesus name I pray.. amen..

:::Friday, January 14, 2005:::

[3 days... @ 2:15 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hmm.. Internet still down.. so Hardly got online. Even if I was, I needed all the bandwidth that I can get from this 56k modem.. so that is the reason why I did not update...

Well... Been going to class on time this week.. Still feeling very down.. Its going to be the 3rd month soon and I still seem no different from that day...

I decided that I'm not going to have any communication within that matter untill I settle all the things. I'll show that I meant what I said.

Mr Tham spoken to me.. He thinks I should stop school for this semester.. I wonder if I really have turned out this bad... Maybe I should consider.If I really cannot finish my FYP, I will consider to Stop school...

I really need to find my reasons.. Find my reasons to survive in this world... Where can this answer be... Apple... help me by taking care of me for this few months want?? hahah.. you keep saying got nothing to do.. ... I must be mad...

I wonder if I having tumor in my head.. I haven been able to concentrate for quite some time already and worse still.. everytime I feel like concentrating, I feel that same spot keep hurting.. Like there is something pushing againts it.

San dong and Lizhi sick, Nic working, Daniel studying Jun hao studying, I studying .. Like that only left Samantha to go for training tomorrow.. Well I have planed out the training schedule and have prepared a guideline for all the instructors to follow. Hope all goes well..

I had this funny dream today.. I dream of someone that I used to have a crush with.. Well.. Recently She has been around me.. and in that dream.. Its like she say she knows that I like her and she like me but we dun show to each other... hahah... damm witt.. its just a dream.. Even if she really likes me(which can't be cos we really not meant for each other unless one is willing to do alot of changes) , I don't think I can accept... Buts its a fun dream... heee... stupit uncle woke me up... grrr...or not can dream longer...hahah.... *pish myself*

I found a book tittled :Burn Brightly without burning out: Hmm.. just a book that i need to answer myself..I read it and felt...hmm... No difference from Yong wei... I am going to repeat reading that book everyday to get me motivated...

Her homework is more important than me... Well.. In certain sense, I know its more important but I used to be that same importance... now... i'm not and I still can't get over it.. That is why some times i really hate talking to her... But oh well.. I can't say anything much anyway... She already made her mind.. what Can I do...Wait till than loh

:::Tuesday, January 11, 2005:::

[Naruto is so cool... @ 5:36 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Finally got to watch Naruto 116-117 Episode. Its so cool.. waited 2 weeks for it to come out.. There is things like Idol withdrawal.. I suffered from Naruto withdrawnal... How i wish i got those powers like the charactors in there... so smart in thinking...

Two Down.... 3 to go.. Still got a long way before this part of the series end... hahah...

Today leature was so boring... FFSS and DDSS ... how wireless transmission occures....

Well.. I got to settle All BF forms tonight, Prepare for tomorrow quiz and settle the proposal for the Information group.

Apple say I super busy.. Well I am.. Only in this way I don't think of anything else... just work and work and work.. who needs love when he is busy till hell.. Thats what the newspapers always say.. singaporeans work till they drop.. and miss out in their personal and love life... oh well..

going to print out all my notes for tomorrow quiz.. wish me luck preps.... take care everyone..

[Long weekend @ 1:51 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hmm... took so long to write .. Well.. Bo bian.. Internet down at my house... got to use.. Slow *#%&(#(% dial up connection.. Well.. Had a very stressful day today... Lack of sleep, stressful meeting. too much coffee..= Brain dead... My brain was nearly ripped off from my head today.. I could not take it much longer.. went to sleep for a few hours only to be awaken by miss yeng regarding corps issues.

Sat started off late as I woke up just to go for SJAB meetings... and my auntie's house for chicken rice... That meeting was crap... Wonder if they really ever considered anything before they annouce their plans for 2005.

Sunday.. Play day.. went to watch Meet the fockers and when for dinner with sam and Daniel.. we ended up all 3 buy one type of t-shirt. when got chance, we all 3 will wear... heee...

Started to write the leadership chapter for the retail book only at 12... Should have had some self discpline and do it earlier... Only finsih the research and first draft at 4. could not take much of it and went to fall asleep

I really wonder if she does not even feel anything at all. I cannot face her.. thinking of her only makes me guilty and I dun know what to sms her.. Other than school work.. It seems that our conversation never got anywhere..

She seems so happy when she called me.. Oh well... As long as she is happy.. I should not say much..

:::Friday, January 07, 2005:::

[First Half of the day @ 11:36 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Well.. I just finished all my presentation for the day. for FFS Presentation.. I feel that I was different in presenting but still not up to the standard yet. I just could not remember the points to speak.. haiz... oh well.. at least it better than some . I need to increase my confidence for Speaking and control my movements...

WISP presentation was an interesting one.. we had a funny start and her presentation was kinda ....weriod.. When it came to my turn.. I did not have the right atmosphere to present.. Its not really her fault.. I did not warn her that she has to do the presentation.

I still feel bad... maybe I will sms her my apology later..

:::Thursday, January 06, 2005:::

[What a strange day @ 9:35 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

This is getting bad.. my concentration span is getting from bad to worse.. I did not do anything else other than WISP and FFS... I should have finish both of this by morning and worked on my leadership book and FYP But I slacked.. Lazed around.. I felt irritated by it and became very bad mood today.. I could not control my temper today and it flared during the discussion ... I find it distrubing as this is not me.. I normally keep my temper to myself and only flared if I have to... worse still.. I felt worse as I scolded someone a bitch today.. Maybe because her style and tone and the way she does thing reminds me of someone in the past that I think is a bitch and I suddenly scolded her bitch.. Worse still.. I scolded her behind her back.. Worse still .. I think one of her friends heard it ... Not that I want to scold but I have no idea why I flared over her.. She did not provoke me... that the even worse still... Other than the other time where found her rude.... just ask me to go out and present without even preparing the material... when we were suppose to... Urgh... I feel so bad and trouble after that.. How am i going to face her tomorrow.? Haiz... Hate this sucky feeling... Hate this mood swings... Why am I facing such a problem? Why am i not productive ? Why am i having mood swings??

:::Wednesday, January 05, 2005:::

[Traffic jam.. @ 4:13 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hmm.. woke up late as usual.. Well.. I slept at 3... which is in improvement cos normally i sleep at 4.. I got to reduce my sleeping time to 12... got to set my bio clock back again.. What was worse was that there was a traffic jam.. it took 20 minutes to get to 4 bus stops.. I was so pissed that I decided to walk.. and sure enough..I was faster than the bus..

Best joke.. My Leaturer was even later than me... hahah Save by the jam.. I made this remark to him that those came after 9 am cannot be considered as late as of the jam and he was not in class..heee.. He agreeed.. Saved.. you see... I haven been able to attend class on time for the whole of this semester.. so If today was also considered late.. I would be liable for expulsion.. hahah... I better tune my bio clock so that I can wake up on time..

Well Today's practical was on Blue tooth..Play around with the blue tooth PDA.. so CoOL.. I also want... but now not worth buying.. I want to save money first.

Well... Had butter rice again for lunch.. After all those exercise , I'm not going to lsoe weight cos I eat such fattening food.. Maybe I should run later... did two days of arm training, should move to legs for a day...

well.. went to office instead of home cos internet is down... I need to do my research on the Tamil tigers in sri lanka... Cos I have to hand in my report on friday.. haiz.. So much kiliings so much hate.. humans... wonder if it was a right decision to place feeling and emotions to humans..

Well.. I'm now gonig to go home and do my report and read the book on leadership cos I have to finish it on sat. than I will also finish my activity flow diagram and do research. I target to finish my paper work by sunday.

[Ingore this.. Just let me get it off my chest... Esp Pei Bing.. Dun read it...you will regret if you do.. @ 1:18 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Can't be bothered to do my work again.. I have an Assignment to be submitted on friday but I haven even started... I know.. I' m suppose to look at my goals and move forward... Never look back.. But I did... and here I am .... Feeling bloody low again..

After reading the e-mail that Samantha send to me (For those who have no idea what I am saying.. its the post that is below this.) I felt down... and bad.. We really lose each other long ago.. very long ago.. Our last year of relationship was a goner.. I took everything for granted, worked on my dreams with hope that she will support me... saw the warning sign but i keep brushing it aside.. Like what Yong Wei said.. I should have nip to problem at its bud with it was still possible.. what are the chances that we two can ever get back together... Even thought we are still SMS each other.. I don't even feel that she place any importance for me.. I know she is stress as she is in year 2 and I don't want to stress her any further.. Let me take all the pain... let me carry this burden... I want to cos thats is to only thing that I can do for you now.. I only hope that she can carry on with life with joy and laughter... I know she can cos she has been going out with her friends almost everyday... while I here... work my way out... I feel down.. Look at my goals... I feel down... Look at my goals.... I feel down .. Look at my goals... I cannot turn back... I cannot turn back.... If I ever turn back.. I will go to the tallest building and jump down... I will not turn back.. I cannot turn back.. I cannot go back to the place where its even worse the hell.. I cannot go back to the place where everything is hell.. I cannot go back to a place where coldness and darkness is there... As much as I need her... As much as i love her... as much as i want to.. I cannot turn back.... I cannot hurt her again.. not today.. not tomorrow.. never... I will never do this again...

I hate myself for not able to give her the best and I vow that I will not go into a relationship or even think about it untill i can give everything to that person... I don't ever want to hurt someone who will love me.. I dun want to ever hurt anyone again... Why does my heart hurt so much... why must it hurt so badly.. Why can't I even save this relationship... why do i always have to break the hearts of those who love me... who truly love me... why... why am I such an asshole..

Read Daniel's blog... we are so in common.. stress... Study stress, relationship stress, sjab stress, family stress.... I also miss her hugs... I truly long to be able to hug her again..I'll hug and never let go.. I'll hug ......... and never let go... never ever let go............ But....... I can't... it will only hurt her again..........going back into the relationship will only hurt her again... I am so hopeless..... I can't even take care of my family or my stead... Ex..stead...I dying to be love... My family can't.. my ex. can't... I want someone to care and concern for me.. I want someone to love me...I want.... but I cannot have it... Cos I will only break that person heart....

Saw my friendster.... all the testimonials.... All the past.... When she was still mine.... why must I be such an asshole to only regret.. I REGRET!!!!!OK!!!! ADMIT THAT I REGRET!!!! I'M A BLOODY ASSHOLE WHO CANNNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!! OK I ADMIT IT... SO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO... WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!!!! I CAN DO ANYTHING... JUST COME BACK TO ME.... YOU WANT ME TO DROP SJAB.. I'LL DROP!!!! YOU WANT ME TO DROP MY DREAMS!!!! I'M WILLING !!! YOU WANT ME TO GO AND DIE!!!! I'M ALSO WILLING... JUST COME BACK TO ME... COS I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU...

[Touching Story... @ 12:08 AM]

:::-::-: ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn ..I wIll sUrvIvE.. :-::-:::

Well... It almost sounded like what Pei bing and I faced... Someone who have face the same problem but managed to overcome it while we 2 could not... Haiz...

I have received this article and found it worth to read.. Especially those marriages involving a third party. Most of the time, we take our marriages for granted which result the marriage to be dull and bored. Third Party usually get involved due to these reason. Most of us got married bcos we love each other and willing to commit together. Is really sad to give up due to another 3 party party.

Hereby, i would like to share this article with you.

To my married and unmarried friends:

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped
in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out
of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then
plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,
I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were
steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a
civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost
at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was
more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This
was
the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife
said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my
wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No
matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,
she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was
sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched
TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s
body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from
her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all
the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something
to tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic
calmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at
me, you are not a man! .

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew
she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger
one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and
clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I
found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from
me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in
the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason
was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do
you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished
to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face
the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made
me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention
was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when
I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son
clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words
brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then
to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed
her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son.
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She
went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.
I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a
long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine
wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms.
The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,
where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking,
etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my
dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it
was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not
because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her
heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a
hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He
said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an
essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and
hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would
change
my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the
bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded
my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came
back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me
in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our life
was lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid
any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m
serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I
can only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not
because
we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed
to
hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then
slammed
the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my
wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you out
every morning until we are old.

:::Tuesday, January 04, 2005:::

[no idea what title to put on @ 1:16 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

well... its another one of the few days.. morning wake up to go help out in sec 1 orientation.. well.. seems that most of the things last minute again.. .haiz.. I 'm suppose to ensure that there is no such thing as last minute things... haiz.. well.. seems that there should not be any problems with the orientation.

Well.. Came to school early!!! for once that i have came to school early. Only to find out that there will be a WT quiz (20%) from chapter 1-4 during the practical hours.(0900-1030) .

I'm kinda worried about how the corps is going on for the second half of the year, by than, all of the instructors and officerss will be studying... haiz... Looks like i have to train another batch of instructor to handle the first aid lessons on the 2nd half of the years...

:::Monday, January 03, 2005:::

[Blog Updated... @ 4:11 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Its not really much of an update.. Just change of background picture and Music.. This music.. More.. feeling... you can feel the flow of energy in it... Listen to it.. let your body go and flow into your world of imagination...

The old picture could not match the atmosphere of the song.. so I decided to change it.. Wanted something like Cars... but Could not find anything much.. so I decided to put naruto... The power that naruto has in that picture matched the song.. (Naurto power=energy)

Gosh.. Its so late.. I haven started to do anything yet... This is bad.. I got to do so many things and yet I'm still blogging here ... okie.. back to work...

:::Sunday, January 02, 2005:::

[Long time no write... @ 11:50 PM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Hi everyone.. its 2005.. everyone Happy new year... I know i'm posting this kinda late.. oh well.. Well.. Sorry for not updating my blog..been busy attending meetings after meetings and guess what.. MY SMS PROGRAMS WORKS!!!! hah..only tester only.. haven started on doing the actual thing yet.. hahah

Well, My hand is currently better now.. I can control all the finger without much pain.

Work work work... Not much play for the next few weeks.. must be serious... my Final year project important... need to work on it...

Planned out 2005 SJAB calander ...hahah.. Well, If this plan goes well.. this would be my last year in SJAB.. Seriously... There isn;t much reason to say.. Teacher and principal also say we can't stay long... oh well.. Just do this well.. do my job well... see celeste .. the batch that i started leading ... goes off to their O level :) I finally did finish my job.. Once this batch goes to studies.. I can move on with life.. Off to my Cycling club and Peer support club.. hahah...

Sjab.. is so lousy... Red cross 2 weeks...10 Million on growing.. SJAB? two weeks.. only few tens of thousand... haiz... seriously considering to go over to red cross.. SJAB is a dying organisation...

oh well.. Got to go back to work... see ya guys