:::Thursday, February 17, 2005:::
[Messy... @ 1:26 AM]
-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-
Let me destress... dun read unless you are super bored..
I'm not too sure how I am feeling now... I came home at 10.30 and watch TV for 2 hours straight( Despite the creeping dateline) It was like ER and Without a trace on TV 5.. both protray death.. One even had a heart and lung transplant and they show how those body was cut open and etc.. started reminding me of my paramedic days... Should I have left SJAB in the first place.. Should I have forgon my Paramedic dream because of short commings, when the organisation is in trouble, am I a coward to face those challenge??
I remember I started heading the organisation with out any knowladge.. It was hell as I did not know how to do anything but just went on and stumble and learn stumble and learn... Where is that passion now? I left because I'm tired, I'm defeated, I want PB, I was lost, I wasn't thinking straight? Cos of FYP, cos I panic, God I hate myself.. Why did I forgo my service to mankind...
I really have no idea what is happening... in Without a trace.. I saw the policeman, A step family but still so loving while I find only emptyness in my own family.. one by one , Death or illness.. My Dad left early... I never really got to know him well.. He died when i was so young that i could not even know him other than he comes home every day tired and I was damm irritating and damm spoilt... My grandma who dotes me the most, I always make her angry and when dad died, she moved out and I hardly visited her.. The last time that I saw her was on near death ... she was so skinny.. so tired.. yet happy to see us... I wonder if we should have visited her... cos the very next day she passed away.. and I haven visit her grave yet... 2 yrs already.. I dun dare to... my uncle passed away last year with lung cancer.. Smoking kills..Never ever smoke.. no matter for what reason.. never ever smoke...God must be playing a trick on me.. Lord.. you know very well i can never convert to christian till my death bed as I am the only son of the family.. Please dun let them leave me one by one..
The house may be big.. so what... Its so empty.. Its like a hotel... come home.. sleep and next morning you go out till night... Even if i am home, there is no one else.. my sis and her husband are so busy its like a hotel to them as well.. my mother... a heartless person..I dun blame her as she has to take care of the family while nursing the wounds of death one after another... I don't even spend like 2 hrs with her in a week. When was the last family outing we ever had... none in the past 5 years..
I hate myself for not knowing my dad when i was younger.. I did not cry doing the whole funneral and walk away when i was suppose to pay respect.. I hate myself for doing that.. I even though it was fake.... Damm..
My aunty now with mental depression and I doing the same thing that I always do.. Stay away.. not that I dun want to do anything but I just dun know what to do.. I see my mother so strong,. while I , a first aider for over 8 years.. just dumb founded... Shit...
I'm not suprise to come out with a conclusion that the reason why i might be so desp. for gf when i was younger was due to the fact that I could not find love at the correct places and look elsewhere.. and this resulted in a very seperated family... so what if I could take care of so many kids, or a gf, or a organisation when I cannot take care of myself and my family...
I want to change.. I need to change.. I must change.. but I have no idea how.. my dreams ... ambitious... to let relationship in... PB had all the right to break up with me..l. I admit I did not take care of her well..
Why do humans need feelings and emotion.. Computer.. its either a Yes or No.. either this or that.. why can;t life be so easy.. or be programmed... Yes or no... do this or do that.. no feelings.. no second thoughts... no scolding and cursing oneself after doing things that you dun want to..
I know what I am suffering now cannnot be compared to alot of people out there ... I know NLP , I know What I am suppose to do.. But I'm tired of that life of I must do this.. I must do that.. I must study.. I must do training.. I must Imust i must... fuck this I must.. I'm tired.. I want to just let go everything... and have a new life.. a new direction.. a new meaning to it.. I dun want to be held back.. I want I want I want...
SUn shine person.. How can I every be such a person.. no matter now much advice I did tell people or serve the citizens of SG or SJAB... to my kids.. all my it can be done talk ..It really tiring ...
