:::-::-: ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn ..I wIll sUrvIvE.. :-::-:::

:::Wednesday, January 05, 2005:::

[Ingore this.. Just let me get it off my chest... Esp Pei Bing.. Dun read it...you will regret if you do.. @ 1:18 AM]

-=:::ThE ReVoLuTiOn Of WiLsOn...:::=-

Can't be bothered to do my work again.. I have an Assignment to be submitted on friday but I haven even started... I know.. I' m suppose to look at my goals and move forward... Never look back.. But I did... and here I am .... Feeling bloody low again..

After reading the e-mail that Samantha send to me (For those who have no idea what I am saying.. its the post that is below this.) I felt down... and bad.. We really lose each other long ago.. very long ago.. Our last year of relationship was a goner.. I took everything for granted, worked on my dreams with hope that she will support me... saw the warning sign but i keep brushing it aside.. Like what Yong Wei said.. I should have nip to problem at its bud with it was still possible.. what are the chances that we two can ever get back together... Even thought we are still SMS each other.. I don't even feel that she place any importance for me.. I know she is stress as she is in year 2 and I don't want to stress her any further.. Let me take all the pain... let me carry this burden... I want to cos thats is to only thing that I can do for you now.. I only hope that she can carry on with life with joy and laughter... I know she can cos she has been going out with her friends almost everyday... while I here... work my way out... I feel down.. Look at my goals... I feel down... Look at my goals.... I feel down .. Look at my goals... I cannot turn back... I cannot turn back.... If I ever turn back.. I will go to the tallest building and jump down... I will not turn back.. I cannot turn back.. I cannot go back to the place where its even worse the hell.. I cannot go back to the place where everything is hell.. I cannot go back to a place where coldness and darkness is there... As much as I need her... As much as i love her... as much as i want to.. I cannot turn back.... I cannot hurt her again.. not today.. not tomorrow.. never... I will never do this again...

I hate myself for not able to give her the best and I vow that I will not go into a relationship or even think about it untill i can give everything to that person... I don't ever want to hurt someone who will love me.. I dun want to ever hurt anyone again... Why does my heart hurt so much... why must it hurt so badly.. Why can't I even save this relationship... why do i always have to break the hearts of those who love me... who truly love me... why... why am I such an asshole..

Read Daniel's blog... we are so in common.. stress... Study stress, relationship stress, sjab stress, family stress.... I also miss her hugs... I truly long to be able to hug her again..I'll hug and never let go.. I'll hug ......... and never let go... never ever let go............ But....... I can't... it will only hurt her again..........going back into the relationship will only hurt her again... I am so hopeless..... I can't even take care of my family or my stead... Ex..stead...I dying to be love... My family can't.. my ex. can't... I want someone to care and concern for me.. I want someone to love me...I want.... but I cannot have it... Cos I will only break that person heart....

Saw my friendster.... all the testimonials.... All the past.... When she was still mine.... why must I be such an asshole to only regret.. I REGRET!!!!!OK!!!! ADMIT THAT I REGRET!!!! I'M A BLOODY ASSHOLE WHO CANNNOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!! OK I ADMIT IT... SO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO... WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!!!! I CAN DO ANYTHING... JUST COME BACK TO ME.... YOU WANT ME TO DROP SJAB.. I'LL DROP!!!! YOU WANT ME TO DROP MY DREAMS!!!! I'M WILLING !!! YOU WANT ME TO GO AND DIE!!!! I'M ALSO WILLING... JUST COME BACK TO ME... COS I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU...